the first part of this is down a few posts, not sure how that happened and I am not patient enough to try and change them around
When it comes to dealing with fertility issues there are so many aspects of your life that get effected and I have been through them all.
Money Money Money
To begin with there is the financial part. We knew from the get go that our insurance, like most others, does not cover any of the treatments. They cover any diagnosis but no treatments. Another sucky part, our taxes are going up and you know what we are paying for? Abortions. We are now funding late term abortions for people who cannot keep their legs closed and feel we should pay for them to murder their unborn innocent child. The Clomid is not too bad, around 20 bucks, the Ovidrel shot is 120 bucks, and the IUI is 430 bucks (unless it falls on a weekend or holiday, mine did, and its another extra 30). Add all that to the 50 bucks (plus another thirty for the weekend) and you are looking at 1100ish bucks for the whole cycle. Not sure if you have been in our backyard lately, but our trees are lazy and are not growing money like they should. The other day Abby and I were at a friends house and her dogs were both very sick, like verge of death sick. She was so upset because they could not afford the surgeries the dogs needed and she said “If I were a millionaire my dogs would not be sick and in pain” I thought how ironic, if I were a millionaire I could afford fertility treatments as long as we wanted. We have also discussed doing IVF, but last time I checked no one is dropping off 15 grand on our doorstep.
Friendships
In the two years we have been trying to get pregnant I have had close to a dozen friends get pregnant and deliver their child. Am I happy for them? Yes, of course. Does it hurt? Like holy hell it hurts. I have backed out on baby showers like it’s my job because I could not bare to go. I have made excuses not to go see them in the hospital or even at home. Selfish? Yup. Do I love my friends and their babies? Yes,more than they will ever know.
Marriage
Husbands hurt too. For a long time I wondered why Dave was not a mess like me. I thought that maybe he didn’t really want another kid and he was just going along with this to keep me happy (he’s pretty awesome like that). False! The truth is more often than not your husband hurts right along with you, they just don’t fall on the floor crying about it. They deal with emotions differently, and that’s ok. My husband hurts with me and he hurts for me. He would love nothing more than to add another life to our home, but he is also so thankful and grateful for what we do have. Infertility has shaken us up a bit, I don’t think there is any marriage that has dealt with infertility that has not been shaken. We have had our hard times but in all honesty it has made us so much stronger. My husband is my rock and my support, without his love and understanding I would be a much bigger mess than I am.
Abby
My daughter is darn near perfect, seriously, I wouldn’t change a thing about her. We have our rough days and we have our rough, rough, rough days. More often than not we have our great days. I love my daughter more than I ever thought I could love someone. With that being said (and at the risk of be judged) I will say that there was a time a long time ago that I was angry with her. Seriously, I was so angry at her because I thought that since I had such an amazing daughter I was never going to have another child. Crazy thought? O yes, and there are so many more where that came from. These feeling and thoughts did not last long, but they were there and I still get mad at myself today for even having those thoughts. The truth is we are beyond blessed with Abby. Sometimes I think she makes it harder. Having a daughter like her makes me want to have ten more. She’s awesome, so of course I assume all my kids will be like her! And then there’s her brothers and sisters. For a while now she has been talking about her brothers and sisters. They go every where with us and they even get in trouble. It breaks my heart that she sees all her friends with siblings and she doesn’t have any. She also loves babies, like more than me maybe. We were in Target one time and she said “ Momma, go get that baby”. I had to explain to her that it was not our baby and we cannot just go get someone else's baby from them. I know she would/will make such a great big sister.
Stupid People
They are everywhere aren’t they? I am not really the best at filtering what comes out of my mouth(shocker right?), but I will say that this journey has helped me big time. Bottom line people.suck. Honestly, I don’t think that most people really even know that what they are saying is hurtful or ignorant, but when in doubt…shut it! I have heard everything from “ just pray about it” to “ I don’t think you should be doing any of these treatments because its just not natural”. I had one lady tell me that since I only have one kid it makes sense that I can surround myself with kids at the preschool. OOO, is that right??? Or maybe, just maybe, I really enjoy kids?? Maybe I really like that I can teach the word of God to the littlest most innocent people too. Crazy, I know, but maybe me working at a preschool is not my cure for “only having one kid”. I also hear the one about “ well with only one kid you can do so much more…travel, eating out, buying things” News flash!!! Dave and I are not “stuff” people. Having children is much more fulfilling than traveling. I have traveled to places that people only dream of, and you know what? Being pregnant and holding my baby was way way more amazing that any of those places.
Doubt
Satan is a sneaky little sucker isn’t he? In the past two years I have convinced myself of many things. Many wrong things, but it has taken me two years to see the truth. I am a horrible mother and God knows that I do not deserve any more kids. About two months ago I finally woke up one morning and realized this is insane. Am I perfect? No way! Being a mom is hard stuff, no joke about it, but just because I am not “that mom” who has everything all figured out and perfectly organized does not mean I am a horrible mother. I also convinced myself that Dave probably regrets marrying me because had he married someone else he would be able to have all the kids he wants. Crazy thought? Yep, I told you there were a lot of them. I know my husband loves me for me and not for the amount of children I can produce. I am broken. Well, truthfully we are all broken, its just part of being human. We are born broken and born into a broken world. In many ways my body does not work the way it should, sucks for me, but could be a lot worse. Satan did a great job of planting these thoughts in my head and worked non stop to keep them growing. I can finally see the truth and I know that I am a great mom, Dave loves me no matter what, and yes, my body may not be working right, but I know it can do what it needs to do because I have Abby. I will say that one doubt that remains on my head is why in the world I would want to bring more innocent children into this world the way it is now. On December 14 ( the day of the shooting) I had an appointment at 1pm. They were running behind so I sat in the waiting area for over half an hour and watched the news coverage of the shooting. I was thinking to myself ( and still think this way) that we are nuts for wanting to bring more kids into this world. As of now, the desire to have more kids is still stronger than the fear I have of what’s happening in our society, but it’s a close race. For now the desire, the want, the longing for another kids is stronger than any fears and doubts that are running through this crazy head of mine.
